Tag Archives: smoking

The Most Ridiculous Warnings: Flying Safely

10 Oct

Being a Canadian in London, with an Italian girlfriend, I’m no stranger to taking my fair share of flights. I still remember my first flight, I was going to Washington and the security definitely left a notable taste on the new fallen snow of my impressionable palette, but so did everything. The view of barren trees, and snow dusted fields in the peak of winter was like watching the twist of an Empire Strikes Back for the very first time. I was in a veritable candy land. My five senses operating at full capacity as if I had drank a triple shot espresso. After listening to the in flight safety lecture, I felt as if I understood half of Jerry Seinfeld’s lifetime of work. But that enthusiasm (like in all things) quickly faded. I may have listened once or twice more but then the in flight safety lecture quickly became to me as it is known to most:  an obstacle to my in flight guilty pleasure movies, or trying to dive into my latest and greatest New York times Best Seller, because to have actual taste is an abomination. This went on for many a flight: lesson after lesson, and lecture after lecture, until recently that is….

The other day I decided I was DUE for a refresher on in flight safety. I had decided that enough was enough, and that if the plane were to to have any malfunctions for some reason, I’d be the ONE HERO who LISTENED!

‘Sirs and Maddams’ I would say according to my inflated ego ‘Don’t mind the water pressure around the Cabin or the burning engine on our left, simply Relax because Dominic (Me) has LISTENED! Simply look under your seats for your safety vests and HERE, THERE, and THERE for you nearest exits’ The plane would obviously applaud my calming confidence, and we’d be saved, or at least that’s how it played out in my head.

But as I listened this time to the safety instructions I couldn’t help but notice that even the Flight Attendants had found ways to go on auto-pilot. They weren’t even listening to themselves… and appropriately so, because half the speech wouldn’t save anyone and the other half is just plane ridiculous! First off which 1950’s Newspaper mogul still needs reminding that this is a Non Smoking flight, oh wait I thought I saw the Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man rolling up in 17A and B. NO I didn’t, this is like announcing that this will be an Airborne flight, No shit Sherlock.

And then there are the seat-belts, followed by jaded, neurotic, little old constables that check to see if you’ve been Knotty of Knot. On my last flight they even announced that I shouldn’t have it buckled at one point while I should at another. What does that even mean? That’s like telling your employee that SHEs too on time for work… WTF? What is this aerobics class? Buckle up, un-buckle, buckle up, un-buckle, now reach for that safety vest! GOOD JOB!

But the weirdest one is that Oxygen mask thing…. you all know what I’m talking about. “If you are with children, Please remember to put your own oxygen mask before helping others do so” I get the principle of this…. you can’t ensure the safety of others until you yourself are safe…. but why don’t they say something like that? It feels weird and cryptic. It’s as if we’re always telling people to be nice and generous, but in this one instance we’re saying screw everyone else and be a George Costanza. I guess it seems like common sense to me but I can’t help but imagine that one asshole who was already going to fix his or her own mask first in any case.

Anyway, let’s just rush through the announcements so Flight Attendants get back to what they were really intended for; door to door product pushers!

Bon voyage:


If you like this post you should check out my other post on ridiculous warnings: No Robbers !

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion ;-)

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion 😉