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Airport Security; The Theme Park Queues of Life

9 Apr

Summer 2015 approaches, and so does the travel season. I will also be leaving London soon and I can’t help but think of the theme park queues of the travel industry! Theme park queues are those things that are quite terrible when we experience them but we often forget with time because usually the ride was so great that it overshadows the horrible queue. Well the theme park queue of travel is EASILY airport security.

Anyone who’s ever approached a plane in their life has a guaranteed horror story or at least a story of great discomfort when it comes to airport security. The padding down of grandma, the sifting through unmentionables before a bachelorette party, or even just the looking ever so slightly a little too foreign…. here’s to you! Maybe humour can make this passage ever so slightly more palatable!

Enjoy!

DD

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion ;-)

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion 😉

 

Purse vs Wallet

31 Dec

Dear Few Fans,

Happy OLD Year! As we draw closer to entering this new year (Good ole 2015), we are blessed with a moment of self reflection, a time to ponder our 2014 baggage that we want to leave behind and the good stuff worth keeping!

Ladies…. please, I beg you DITCH the Purses… or at least get smaller ones!

Yes, you can stuff everything you want into a purse, but I wouldn’t trade it for a wallet any day. Due to it’s limited space, a wallet is a constant source of self reflection, making me ponder every stub and card, and ounce of lint I put into it, unless I want a Rump roast in my pocket with a George Costanza acute way of sitting.

Purses are the attics of personal possession, we shove shit in there that we think one day we might use until the day comes when we actually need it and we are forced to sift through hundreds of boxes of unwanted receipts, unfinished sandwiches, and holy unmentionables. Making it take ages to find the one thing we wanted! I say this as former user of a European Carry Bag (NOT a Man-Purse) and the dangers of these bags far surpass the horrors of even the freezer; cryogenic sleeping chambers for unwanted food morsels.

Either keep that thing in order, or simply get a smaller purse, it’s a handy way to take hold of life, while still embracing change 😉

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion ;-)

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion 😉

Happy New Year

DD

Image

The Worst Baby-chino

14 Oct

Never has our society been more opinionated than today! And it’s not just opinionated, it’s openly opinionated. Frankly this entire blog is one massive collection of my thoughts…. Sorry believers, it’s not scientific merit it’s just a Double D opinion.

The day of the local critic is over… where one man or woman can incite fear into the hearts of local businesses with one bad review…. Finished! Websites like Urban spoon, Yelp, Just Eat, Trip Advisor, and five more since this blog has been published, have made the general population all into local critics. What’s scary about the General Population….. Shhhh, keep your voice down as some people might figure this out…. is that it consists of: you…… and I. SHOCK, I know! Who saw that coming?

We are all entitled to our opinion and there are a multitude of ways of making the world hear it. We don’t even need to be active participants anymore, like the receiving of a survey after you took a flight. That’s right, no consuming of the product is necessary. You can walk past a store, be nauseated at the use of Cominc Sans in the logo, and write a 1 start review just for Graphic Crimes against modern day Aesthetics! Ridiculous, but entirely true. The real issue however is that combined with our opinion drenched universe is the reality that the deeper the words cut, the longer the scars will last.

When’s the last time you read a three out of five star review? Generally speaking we want the pros and cons right away, and skip right over the lukewarm advice and get to those favourable or un-favourable 1 or 5 star reviews. The result? The creation of a polarized nation of self-automated opinion spewers of lovers and haters! So you say Dominic, what’s the matter? One bad review in 100 will simply get lost in the clutter and the truth will prevail! You’re right, but some people will always listen to the minority.

My fellow barista brother, once told me that the most ludicrous complaint he had ever received was from a mother, saying that the Babychino her child was drinking was the worst he had ever had. This is ludicrous for so many reasons. Firstly being that babychinos are write-offs on any café menu. They cost peanuts to make and are sold for even less. A drop of cold milk, a dollop of foam, and a sprinkle of chocolate for your child’s delight. The idea being that the kid can feel like a grown-up if for only a moment. It’s a fun, simple drink, that even if the kid doesn’t like it, typically costs less than 50 cents so nothing lost.

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion ;-)

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion 😉

Okay so even if it was true, the fact of encouraging such an extreme opinion at such a young age for me far trumps any deficiencies that a poorly constructed babychino might have. Okay so it was paid for, does everyone now become all of a sudden a Gordon Ramsay of bipolar extremes? What does the kid say when he’s at a friends house and doesn’t like the food? “Uhmmm Bobby’s mom! This beef stew is tough and appalling, I’d flush it away but fear offending the toilet boil!” The danger is not only one incredibly rude child, but one sheltered and afraid of new experience. The more serious we believe our own opinions, the more we get caught up in our own bullshit and forget about fact, we start to shut ourselves out from the world. There’s something to be said by: that was okay, I think I need to try it again. We have to remember that these thoughts are not facts, or matters of science, but simply a statement of perception.

So let’s all collectively relax. Before opinions, we must ALWAYS remember an open mind and our table side manors, after all we live in a Civilization of which civility is ought to be the basis. When we teach our child to complain, especially when they are at a young age, we might just leave a bitter flavour that lasts longer then that horrid taste of that awful babychino.

Bless you,

DD

The Most Ridiculous Warnings: Flying Safely

10 Oct

Being a Canadian in London, with an Italian girlfriend, I’m no stranger to taking my fair share of flights. I still remember my first flight, I was going to Washington and the security definitely left a notable taste on the new fallen snow of my impressionable palette, but so did everything. The view of barren trees, and snow dusted fields in the peak of winter was like watching the twist of an Empire Strikes Back for the very first time. I was in a veritable candy land. My five senses operating at full capacity as if I had drank a triple shot espresso. After listening to the in flight safety lecture, I felt as if I understood half of Jerry Seinfeld’s lifetime of work. But that enthusiasm (like in all things) quickly faded. I may have listened once or twice more but then the in flight safety lecture quickly became to me as it is known to most:  an obstacle to my in flight guilty pleasure movies, or trying to dive into my latest and greatest New York times Best Seller, because to have actual taste is an abomination. This went on for many a flight: lesson after lesson, and lecture after lecture, until recently that is….

The other day I decided I was DUE for a refresher on in flight safety. I had decided that enough was enough, and that if the plane were to to have any malfunctions for some reason, I’d be the ONE HERO who LISTENED!

‘Sirs and Maddams’ I would say according to my inflated ego ‘Don’t mind the water pressure around the Cabin or the burning engine on our left, simply Relax because Dominic (Me) has LISTENED! Simply look under your seats for your safety vests and HERE, THERE, and THERE for you nearest exits’ The plane would obviously applaud my calming confidence, and we’d be saved, or at least that’s how it played out in my head.

But as I listened this time to the safety instructions I couldn’t help but notice that even the Flight Attendants had found ways to go on auto-pilot. They weren’t even listening to themselves… and appropriately so, because half the speech wouldn’t save anyone and the other half is just plane ridiculous! First off which 1950’s Newspaper mogul still needs reminding that this is a Non Smoking flight, oh wait I thought I saw the Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man rolling up in 17A and B. NO I didn’t, this is like announcing that this will be an Airborne flight, No shit Sherlock.

And then there are the seat-belts, followed by jaded, neurotic, little old constables that check to see if you’ve been Knotty of Knot. On my last flight they even announced that I shouldn’t have it buckled at one point while I should at another. What does that even mean? That’s like telling your employee that SHEs too on time for work… WTF? What is this aerobics class? Buckle up, un-buckle, buckle up, un-buckle, now reach for that safety vest! GOOD JOB!

But the weirdest one is that Oxygen mask thing…. you all know what I’m talking about. “If you are with children, Please remember to put your own oxygen mask before helping others do so” I get the principle of this…. you can’t ensure the safety of others until you yourself are safe…. but why don’t they say something like that? It feels weird and cryptic. It’s as if we’re always telling people to be nice and generous, but in this one instance we’re saying screw everyone else and be a George Costanza. I guess it seems like common sense to me but I can’t help but imagine that one asshole who was already going to fix his or her own mask first in any case.

Anyway, let’s just rush through the announcements so Flight Attendants get back to what they were really intended for; door to door product pushers!

Bon voyage:

DD

If you like this post you should check out my other post on ridiculous warnings: No Robbers !

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion ;-)

A Dominic Durocher Original, please use at my discretion 😉

Bathroom Etiquette; Ladies, Gentlemen & A-Holes

30 Apr

Reader’s Beware: The following Blog may contain potty mouth language and poop talk.

For immature audiences only!

Public Assholes

We’ve all been there, one too many burgers and shakes later, holding a load, waiting for that moment of reprieve, praying to the public bathroom gods that a pub, a coffee shop, a restaurant, or even a McDonalds will be just around the corner. And then we see it, it starts as a faint outline of a silhouette, and quickly becomes our favourite monochromatic image to date. You can call it a wash closet, a salle de bain, a bathroom, the toilet, a restroom or whatever, as long as you see that crisp image of a nice lady standing next to a gentleman, you know your in the clear for a right of passage!

You smile, your bladder relaxes (but not too much) and you speed off to your sex designated lavatory in hopes of enlightenment. All is well, the sense of relief will soon be yours, triumph at finding that public gem in a haystack of an urban nightmare and then IT happens. Every stall has either remnants of the previous journeymen, or the attempts of Mummy making on the floor. If you were a tracker, every previous animal could successfully be identified by his or her trail. Drippings, droppings, DNA gallore. But you’re not a tracker, your a bathroom user with etiquette in mind, and nothing looks the part. So you toughen up, act brave, and don’t stall when choosing the lesser of several evils.

Why did this happen? On the door it said Ladies, but no proper lady would have desecrated that chamber in the manner of which you found it! No gentleman would forget to flush, or play target practice with the toilet seat! Why did this happen? WHY?????

I’ll tell you why… something only most mall creators, bathroom installers, and janitors alike know. It’s top secret but having once encountered a masked janitor at dusk in an underground parking lot, I learnt the reason why. Okay it’s because I work at a coffee shop but the origin story is not important. What they don’t tell us, is that there is a third type of person that needs bathrooms. No It’s not some new gender, or those family friendly rooms, I’m talking about a breed that walk among us and either don’t give enough of a shit, or maybe too much! They’re known as the ASSHOLES.

They don’t care about others, simply their own relief. They are the seat aimers, squat squanderers, floor dribbling, stagnant stoolers, flushing refrainers, wall tagging, freshly fumigating,mummy making A-Holes!!!! And the worse part is they are delusional to their own status, that’s why we can’t just make a new room for them, because they THINK, they are of noble class and stature.

It’s often the little things that truly make a society. The way in which we eat, how we treat the elderly on public transport (stand for them or keep on sitting), how we treat our pets and loved ones, how strangers interact on a day to day basis. If we all wiped the seat upon leaving, because we cared about the next person that entered… how do you think we’d treat mother earth or leave our society for generations to come? So I implore you, if you love the world around you, then flush the shit away!

 

 

 

God bless!

DD

Batman vs Superman: Beginning of the End?

30 Aug

Am I the only one not excited by this movie concept?

Original Dominic Durocher Drawing, please do not use without written permission.

Original Dominic Durocher Drawing, please do not use without written permission.

I’ve heard a lot of talk about it recently and every time they announce a new actor that’s lined up or a new possible plot point, I must admit, I cringe a little as comic lover Dom dies a little inside. Anyone who reads my posts (Yes all 6 of you) will know I’m a little bias on this issue as I was a little disappointed with Man of Steel (read here). But I have some valid backlash, which I think justifies my nausea!

Firstly I’d like to take a trip back in time when the comic universe had individual entities. Back in 1933, Superman was created and had his own series/universe. It would only be another 6 years, that in 1939 Bruce Wayne was created along with his alter-ego: Batman. These two lived peacefully for 21 years, with individual comic book stories galore, until someone had the bright idea to spark sales and create a hybrid. In October of 1960 the Justice league was born and united every “Great” DC characters into one comic.

My point being is that uniting these characters was a chance to revitalize a dying franchise, a new twist on an old classic, and in typical American fashion, they made it bigger, better and more awesome. Or as many saw it: a new dress on an old corpse. Man of Steel, the new Superman movie was just released and Studio execs are already running to finish line by mashing Batman and Superman together, trying harder and harder to compete with The Avengers… instead of writing new classics and awesome tales. The Dark Knight trilogy was awesome, blew box-office records and just featured Batman and his foes, are we already at the point where we have to unite all our dynamite under one roof?

Bigger isn’t always better. This has been proven several times a year by box office flops with novelty oversized budgets. If the script, story, and characters aren’t amazing, then no “Big Star” / Fancy explosion can save a crippled plot.

I hope for my comic book “Dom” they’ll get it right but until then I’ll keep my expectations down, and my trailers viewed to a minimum, in hopes in salvaging two of the greatest super heroes of the last 100 years.

Cheers

DD

Spoiler: Trailers Ruin Movies

22 Jul

It was Spring 2008, and there was one particular movie I had been salivating to see for the past two years. I was very excited to see the Dark Knight that summer. I had been so grabbed by Batman Begins. Perfectly directed by Christopher Nolan, the franchise had been re-invented and resurrected. Then I heard the important members of the cast were all back and more importantly the director was back, I was on cloud nine for the Dark Knight. In the coming months up to the film’s release, I must’ve watched all thirty seven trailers, featurette’s, any other possible means of movie footage, and then I talked to my cousin.

With this particular individual, because of a ten year gap and my young interest in lego and well his interest in the opposite sex, conversations tended to revolve around video games, and well movies. So when I asked him, had you seen the trailer??? And he said ‘No’ I was in shock and a state of disbelief. I said let me grab a computer and he said: ‘No I don’t want to see a trailer’. What had possessed him, what and turned him into a movie temple of solitude, a creature of bizarre proportions? He then simply told me that he already planned to see the movie and thus didn’t need to see a trailer. I was shocked by this concept, and personally somewhat revolted, but this credo stayed with me none the less, and had planted a seed in my 8mm psyche.

Fast forward to present day and an over anticipation to see Man of Steel, the latest Superman film directed by Zack Snyder. This movie was being produced by my Bat friendly Chris Nolan (yes we’re on nick name terms), directed by Zack (300, Dawn of the Dead), and they were going to re-invent the franchise with a classic origin story. The variables added up so I let myself get excited, and I watched all 37 trailers, featurettes, and other bogus online crap, to get me more excited then I needed to be. But unlike the Dark Knight, this film did not live up to its cinematic potential, at least according to my imagination. It wasn’t a bad movie, it just wasn’t the breath of fresh air I was looking for, and it tasted stale and gross. And then I reflected, was it the lack of character development, was it the over the top action, or was it the fact that the S crest was literally the only symbol on Krypton? My cousin’s words started to come to me in my sleep as an echo, and then a yell! No it wasn’t the script or characters or whatever, while none of these things helped, the real problem was that I bought into the pre movie hype.

On a rare occasion a movie so good can transcend any hype put upon it, but this is a film with a divine touch, a classic or a masterpiece, for lack of a better term. But the reality is, movie’s are fragile stories, and like anything in life can be over sold. We’ve all been to the restaurant, seen the picture of the 7 layered triple chocolate cake with a puff of whipped cream and drizzled caramel sauce, ordered in and realized it was replaced with its single layered, floppy butter cream, un-appetizing, alcoholic half cousin? My sales boss used to draw horrible renditions of products to clients, yet they’d still buy and always be ten times happier than the original doodle they saw scribbled by him on a back of a cocktail napkin; the reason being, they weren’t over sold. In fact he used to hate computer mock-ups, because most of the time the mock-up was nicer than the actual final product. Don’t over sell. It’s one of the hard things I had to learn in sales, once the client says they’ll buy, leave it as is and complete the purchase, you don’t ever want to over promise and under deliver.

So what went wrong with Man of Steel? What went wrong was I had an unquenchable thirst of what the movie could be and I was so disappointed. I personally blame this on my own field of study and the make or break of many movies, the department of marketing. Two years ago a financial success of a film came out titled Super 8, the director was J.J. Abrams and he had an idea. The movie was steeped in mystery as he controlled the marketing direction of the film. He refused to reveal the monster and refused to reveal any plot. The studio thought no one would go to see it and it would be a predictable flop. But the success was anything but predictable, it grossed $259 million worldwide and had a simple budget of $50 million (Compared to the Box Office flop ‘After Earth’s Budget of $130 million). It was an experiment that paid off; unfortunately it hasn’t had the ripple effects needed to fix an entire industry. Yesterday I saw a blog that pointed out 17 trailers that ruined the twist of movies, thank the Lord that half of the movies I had seen without the need of a trailer. It’s as if that dim-witted friend asks you to tell the joke with the ‘that’s because she’s blond’ punch line, well instead of ruining the joke for a few friends, you’ve ruined the sale potential to a few thousand viewers.

Now if an executive were here they’d say, it doesn’t matter, as long as they come in the doors on opening night, you’ll do fine. I totally disagree with this and so does history in a word of mouth society. If you oversell a movie and people leave a theatre disappointed then even if they just purchased a ticket, there’s little chance they’ll come back or even tell their friends to see it. If anything they’ll give it a bad rating and rant on their blog about it (proof, read this blog again). But if they are properly sold, and happy with the results then the movie will live on past the opening night. Especially with websites like Imdb and rotten tomatoes and their user rating so important, it’s rare that I’ll see a movie without giving it a quick online peak.

With all my current disappointment in movies I’ve realized something, I’m being oversold. It isn’t the only problem but it’s a large contributor and one that I can easily avoid. That seed that was planted by my cousin now makes sense; if I know I plan on reading the book, why read the back and chance reading pivotal plot twists. I know it’s difficult in this age of hype and open access to information, but until the studios get it right, believe me when saying, a little faith might just restore your magic in the movies.

You shall not pass,

DD

Funfacts:
According to Alexa.com
Facebook is the number one visited site in the world
Apple.com is 54th
IMDB is 57th
Amazon.com is 60th
CNN.com is 82nd
CBC.ca is 1,328th
Hotmail.com is 2,733rd

I guess we love our International Movie Database