Bathroom Etiquette; Ladies, Gentlemen & A-Holes

30 Apr

Reader’s Beware: The following Blog may contain potty mouth language and poop talk.

For immature audiences only!

Public Assholes

We’ve all been there, one too many burgers and shakes later, holding a load, waiting for that moment of reprieve, praying to the public bathroom gods that a pub, a coffee shop, a restaurant, or even a McDonalds will be just around the corner. And then we see it, it starts as a faint outline of a silhouette, and quickly becomes our favourite monochromatic image to date. You can call it a wash closet, a salle de bain, a bathroom, the toilet, a restroom or whatever, as long as you see that crisp image of a nice lady standing next to a gentleman, you know your in the clear for a right of passage!

You smile, your bladder relaxes (but not too much) and you speed off to your sex designated lavatory in hopes of enlightenment. All is well, the sense of relief will soon be yours, triumph at finding that public gem in a haystack of an urban nightmare and then IT happens. Every stall has either remnants of the previous journeymen, or the attempts of Mummy making on the floor. If you were a tracker, every previous animal could successfully be identified by his or her trail. Drippings, droppings, DNA gallore. But you’re not a tracker, your a bathroom user with etiquette in mind, and nothing looks the part. So you toughen up, act brave, and don’t stall when choosing the lesser of several evils.

Why did this happen? On the door it said Ladies, but no proper lady would have desecrated that chamber in the manner of which you found it! No gentleman would forget to flush, or play target practice with the toilet seat! Why did this happen? WHY?????

I’ll tell you why… something only most mall creators, bathroom installers, and janitors alike know. It’s top secret but having once encountered a masked janitor at dusk in an underground parking lot, I learnt the reason why. Okay it’s because I work at a coffee shop but the origin story is not important. What they don’t tell us, is that there is a third type of person that needs bathrooms. No It’s not some new gender, or those family friendly rooms, I’m talking about a breed that walk among us and either don’t give enough of a shit, or maybe too much! They’re known as the ASSHOLES.

They don’t care about others, simply their own relief. They are the seat aimers, squat squanderers, floor dribbling, stagnant stoolers, flushing refrainers, wall tagging, freshly fumigating,mummy making A-Holes!!!! And the worse part is they are delusional to their own status, that’s why we can’t just make a new room for them, because they THINK, they are of noble class and stature.

It’s often the little things that truly make a society. The way in which we eat, how we treat the elderly on public transport (stand for them or keep on sitting), how we treat our pets and loved ones, how strangers interact on a day to day basis. If we all wiped the seat upon leaving, because we cared about the next person that entered… how do you think we’d treat mother earth or leave our society for generations to come? So I implore you, if you love the world around you, then flush the shit away!

 

 

 

God bless!

DD

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